My own parents divorced when I was fifteen and from then on until the age around 27 I was a relationship cynic. I found marriage laughable and I only started to change my mind when more and more people in my life committed themselves to one special person and I found myself increasingly alone. However, I still had to work through a huge amount of inappropriate attitudes and expectations before I would become deeply happy with my soulmate and husband Nigel.
It definitely has helped me to be a practising Buddhist as it brought home the basic truth that love is the only way to find real happiness. I also learnt about the law of karma that says that we always get back what we give out. In addition to my Buddhist training I attended numerous courses on the secrets of Taoist sexual techniques which taught the amazing possibilities of using sex for spiritual development.
However, I found that these Eastern spiritual teachings on their own, wonderful as they are, were not enough to understand all the intricate dynamics that occur in romantic and sexual relationships between men and women of the Western world.
Unfortunately, Buddhism – as with eastern religions in general – does not focus on soulmates and has not much to say about romantic relationships. In Buddhist countries people often still live in arranged marriages or as monks and nuns and the western ideal (and ensuing problems) of a relationship that should be fulfilling on all levels doesn’t have a place in traditional Buddhist teachings. Taoist teachings and practices on sexual energy are extremely fascinating but they don’t deal with the more emotional and psychological dynamics between men and women.
So I found that I could use Buddhist and Taoist practices for my spiritual development in general but that I needed additional teachings to fulfil my wish to find and keep a truly fulfilling soulmate relationship.
When I trained as a counsellor I was in particular interested in systemic and family therapy and found that it offered the missing link needed to integrate the highly spiritual ideals of love and compassion with what happens between real men and women in the 21st century.
As time went on I began to understand more clearly what is necessary in order to live in a truly happy relationship and I found myself more and more able to predict the outcome of the relationships of the many people I knew. Of course my predictions weren’t always appreciated so I kept them mostly to myself. However, more often than not everything I had foreseen came true and I used my insights to counsel those people who were open to my help.
Romantic relationships can seem terribly complicated, particularly if you have had a long row of unsuccessful liaisons behind you. But I found that there are four main dynamics that will almost guarantee a very happy relationship when fully understood and carefully put into practice.
These dynamics are:
1) Commitment to love and to grow in love
2) The law of the even deal
3) Harmonious and erotic patterns between female and male energies
4) The unavoidable merging process between two people
Once you are able to recognise the working of these patterns in your own relationships as well in those of others you will find it much easier to correct attitudes that lead to suffering and to stick to behaviour which will bring lasting happiness.
This book has three parts. In the first part I will explain the working of the four essential dynamics of a soulmate relationship and I will compare them with the typical dynamics of ordinary relationships which end so often in boredom or divorce.
In the second part I will guide you through all the necessary steps required to find a person you can be truly happy with. I have observed that everybody who was successful in finding a soulmate has used these steps, be it consciously or unconsciously. Therefore, they can help you as well if you are serious about wanting a true soulmate relationship.
In the third part I will explain in detail the stages every romantic relationship has to go through as well as all the necessary ingredients to stay deeply happy, inspired and passionate with your soulmate as the years go by.
In a book about soulmates I couldn’t avoid writing about men, women, masculinity and femininity in general and some of these generalisations might seem a bit bluntly carved. Some people might not find themselves in these descriptions at all. Please don’t be deterred by this as these explanations are only meant to give typical examples. Obviously they are not true for everybody in all circumstances. They are also not meant to exclude gay and lesbian lovers. If you love people from the same sex I suggest that every time you read ‘men’ or ‘women’ you replace it with ‘person with more masculine energy’ or ‘person with more feminine energy’. In that way you can use everything in this book about men and women for your relationships as well.
Harmonious romantic relationships are extremely important because they are the starting point for peace of the whole world. Loving couples will produce loving families and loving families will produce peaceful societies. When we keep this high aim in mind it is worthwhile going through everything necessary to overcome our personal obstacles to lasting love and happiness with our true soulmate.
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