by Tara Springett
I have been married for fourteen years and I can say with hand on heart that my husband and I have a true soulmate relationship. He is my best friend, we totally support each other and our relationship helps us both on a daily basis to grow into the best people we can be.
But it has not always been easy for me and before I met my husband I had a string of highly dissatisfying relationships. Only after researching this topic for many years and eliminating in myself all the faulty attitudes that led to these problematic relationships have I been able to create this deeply satisfying relationship.
Because I had so many problems in this area myself, I had to be very clear what works in a relationship and what doesn’t. It is exactly this conscious personal growth that enables me now to help countless clients to find their soulmate or transform their existing relationship into a soulmate relationship.
A commitment to grow in love
The most important thing in a soulmate relationship is a deep commitment to grow in love. Love means the heartfelt wish for one’s partner to be happy. Once this motivation is in place, all practical disagreements can be dealt with by simply becoming creative until a compromise has been found that feels good to both partners.
It is interesting that virtually everybody believes that they are a loving person. Nobody really wants to admit that they are consciously and maliciously selfish. But all conflicts in relationships are due to the fact that one partner puts their own needs above the needs of the other person.
If this selfishness is denied and concealed then it is impossible to deal with it. But as soon as these selfish patterns have been brought into the daylight they can be corrected.
Obviously it is very painful to admit that one has acted in a selfish way and ask for forgiveness. But it is exactly this humility that is the basis of a true soulmate relationship.
The law of an even deal
I have found in my own relationship and also in the relationships of my clients that you can only be happy if you have an even deal with your partner. This means that the overall give and take between two people roughly evens out and that both partners feel that they are giving as much as they are getting out of the relationship.
But most people do not like thinking about romantic relationships in terms of a deal because it just feels too calculating. Particularly women are fond of the idea of unconditional love. It is therefore not surprising that it is usually women who complain about the selfishness of their boyfriends and husbands. They have allowed the even deal to get out of balance to their own disadvantage and cannot understand why their partner does not want to reciprocate.
I see this dynamic in roughly 95% of my female clients with relationship problems. It is therefore an extremely important lesson to learn for most women to stop over-caring and to ask their partner to give as much as they take. Usually their boyfriend or husband will comply because, as explained above, nobody likes to be consciously selfish.
Relationship test questions
I have found that you can observe the essential pattern in a relationship virtually from the very first meetings with a new partner. Like a seed these first one or two meetings already show all the dynamics that will evolve in the years to come.
It is therefore paramount to learn to spot the early warning signs and to take them seriously. Dating is NOT a time for positive thinking!
One of the questions you should ask yourself early on is whether you would like to become like your potential partner. If the answer is ‘no’, you should speedily abandon the idea of getting seriously involved with this person. The reason for this dynamic is that over time we will take on more and more character traits from our partner, whether we like it or not.
If our partner is angry and depressed, for example, we will become more angry and depressed as well. And if our potential partner is very loving and joyful then our own life will become more loving and fun-filled after being with this person for some time.
More relationship test questions and soulmate dynamics can be found in Tara Springett’s book Soulmate Relationships
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